today...

I am feeling sad, depressed, upset. All them other grumpy words. Having a hard time today....

Thankful

I have been looking at other peoples blogs on infertility. I have found them to be AWSOME! I am so thankful that it is so easy to have people from all over the world who are experiencing the same things that I am. By reading what they have gone threw and how it has worked out or not worked out. And how they deal with it. That was all I am just very thankful!

Fostercare VS Fertility?

I have been thinking a lot about looking into fertility. It has been three years and in April I will have been in Utah for 5 years. Meaning we can do foster care. On the other hand we have insurance now that covers infertility. We could go in and see what the problem is and fix it. We would have another baby that was 100% ours. Or we could do foster care give a child a home and family who loves them.
One of the things holding me back from adoption is that I miss the infant stage and, I have baby names picked out. I know silly reasons but thats what they are. I loved the feeling of KJ kicking in my belly. Not so much the being sick all day every day. I miss the snuggling while she eats, the watching her learn watching her explore the world. Helping her along the way. I LOVE being a mom and I LOVE the experience of it all. These are the reason I want to have an infant.

But there are so many kids that are already here that have been dealt a bad hand one way or the other and need something stable. We could give that to them. I would love to give a child a home and KJ a sibling. I think that we would be wonderful foster parents and if the chance came where we would get to make the child part of our forever family.

I know we just need to pray and feel it out. But I am a believer that God does not just give you the answer and set it in your lap. I think he helps and guides you, but you have to do the leg work. So any thoughts on this are welcome. Thanks!

Miracle

Warning this post can be graphic and might offend those who my not be very open. 
After watching "The Miracle of life" A Nova presentation I have decided it is a MIRACLE that we can have babies. For those of you who slept or cheated their way threw health class here are some things I find crazy. 
1. Something is always trying to kill the sperm. 
2. Once it is inside and somehow makes it to the egg things have to line up just right. As in like a puzzle piece. Its little cut outs have to match up with the eggs cut out for the egg to say oh ok come on in.
3. Once it is trapped in the egg and makes it to it's resting spot the woman's body try's to kill the egg so it hides it self deep in the lining. Once it is sure it will be ok it peeks out and then grows until delivery. 
To me all this is CRAZY! I think it is amazing that we can even exist. So I think I am rather ok that I have one beautiful wonderful daughter. Randomness I thought I would share. If you have a min I would watch the video. The couple in it is kinda... But very interesting.  

WOWZERS!

I had no idea that starting a blog where I could just vent and express my self would help so much. The fact that I can write down how I feel and have others who are feeling the same way or know of someone who has felt the way I do. It is just amazing the relief I get just putting it out there. Who knew?

Adoption

Does any one know of any one who might be thinking of giving up a child for adoption? We would love to adopt. Like I have said before KJ would be a wonderful big sister! I have looked into adoption for a while. There is just no way we can afford adoption threw and agency. Private adoption is a lot less expensive. If any one knows of someone that is in that position we would love to be an option for them. Thanks for keeping us in mind.  

Wish me luck!

I always wanted to be a MOM. That was my dream from the get go. I remember once when I was in college we were supposed to write a paper on where we saw our selves in 5-10 years. I saw me with a family at least one child and hopefully pregnant. I got ton of crap from the girls in my class. But that was always my dream. I have a wonderful two almost three year old daughter. I would have liked to have my kids close. Like 10 months apart. Crazy I know! My husband and I would like to have three. I think is would be wonderful if I could have twins. We have not been able to conceive. I do not know why. My DR. put me on a fertility pill. For 6 months. NOTHING. I finally made an appointment with a fertility DR. after almost 3 years of trying. Our insurance does not cover it so I hope we can find out what is wrong quick. I just really would like to have a baby. My daughter would make a wonderful big sis. So wish us luck! Even though it is not until November.